WAIST HIGH

7/22/2006

The Kern County Drunkard: It has been a very long time since Waist High or her Bakersfield correspondents have been able to report a sighting. Because Waist High will be in Bakersfield the weekend of July 28-30 for her high school reunion, and will undoubtedly end up in many a skanky Bakersfield drinking establishment, this all could change.

Rampart: Keep in mind that this is the individual who told the 'uptight' Waist High, in December 1987, to "Drink this six pack before I get back!" The outcome of that evening, the red headed child you see above, graduated from high school last month. Managed to play with his BlackBerry and not cry for all of the ceremony. Says he will "cry like a baby when she graduates from college" because graduating from high school is "not really a big accomplishment." Rampart was rumored to have called Waist High an "old bird" in reference to Waist High attending her 20 year high school reunion next weekend; Rampart was a high school classmate of Waist High's, Rampart will be in attendance for the same above mentioned reunion, and Rampart even paid his $60 registration fee before Waist High. It is unknown if he will be donning his usual attire of black socks with sandals.

The Stranger: Can't really talk about this 28 year old individual. That whole 'I can't talk about my love life on the internet thing' prohibits me from doing so. It was however two Fridays ago that the The Stranger became familiar with the 32 herb Czech Republic spirit Becherovka, during an evening that in certain circles is now referred to as "The Becherovka Incident."

Tri-Tip: A shadow of the man he used to be, Tri-Tip recently requested that Waist High no longer quote him on her blog. Request has been respected. For the most part. Has become more than exasperated recently with Waist High's lengthy and vain "TO DO BEFORE THE REUNION LIST," most of which she did not get to. Expressed respectful disgust last week by stating that the only possible thing that he could think to have on his list would be "buy a pair of flip flops."

Priscilla: Waist High drinking buddy extraordinaire constantly advises Waist High to matter-of-factly brush off all "old" references as gracefully as possible, even though they are being fired at a rapid clip. Sometimes from individuals her own age. Tactfully reminded Waist High that although she is gearing up for her 20 year high school reunion, she doesn't look nor act 38 years old: "You don't wear the mom jeans and hello, you are (content removed by author.)"

Desi: Currently involved in some kind of love triangle, the details of which he will not discuss. Does not share the sentiment of Priscilla regarding Waist High's youthful appearance and behavior. Recently referred to Waist High as "like an older sister," ran to cleanse right hand with Purell Instant Hand Sanitizer after accidentally touching the hand of the elderly Waist High, publicly expressed amazement that Waist High is (content removed by author.) Was told that if the old jokes did not stop, was going to have to give Waist High "a massage with Ben Gay."

My Lovely Teenaged Daughter: Graduated from high school last month, and was forced by Rampart to secure a full time job merely one week later. Did not listen to Waist High who advised to wait until the summer was over to secure a full time job so that she could focus solely on getting drunk, "everyone's full time job the summer after high school." Refused an all expenses paid trip to her birthplace of Bakersfield California for Waist High's 20 year high school reunion because "anything over 80 degrees is too hot." Plans to never return. Continues to wear the same sunglasses she has worn since infancy. None too pleased to currently have a father that wears black socks with sandals, and a mother who is (content removed by author.)

Photos: The Waist High Collection

CAST OF CHARACTERS

THE KERN COUNTY DRUNKARD
Everything at Waist High is a long story, and the story of The KCD is no exception. After this individual told Waist High in December of 2003 that she was going to kill her, "Waist High" the blog was born. Please do not tell Waist High the person that you are going to kill her or she will create "Waist High" the blog and write nasty things about you! Including the time you stunk up the bathroom at The Alley Cat. The "Kern County Drunkard Watch" detailed the drunken comings and goings of the live-in love interest of one of Waist High's most cherished male friends. Never has Waist High met anyone who drank as much as or as often as The KCD. The KCD, because she was an insecure drunk, hated Waist High for most of her decade long relationship with Waist High's most cherished male friend. She hated Waist High for the obvious reason: Waist High is hot. A one time source of much of the material for Waist High the blog, The "Kern County Drunkard Watch" was permanently retired in March 2005 when Waist High's most cherished male friend finally came to his senses and kicked her ass to the curb.

RAMPART
Rampart is the first ex-husband of Waist High. She refers to him as her first ex-husband because she knows there will eventually be a second. Rampart grew up on the mean streets of Bakersfield and claims to have been the co-discoverer of the well known 1980s dirt field party spot known as "The Place." Rampart's 1987 directive to Waist High, "Drink this six pack before I get back!" made both Waist High and Rampart parents at age 20. Rampart currently resides 4.5 miles from Waist High in the wilds of Oregon and is an enduring fixture at their local Cigs For Less shop. Once a Bakersfield Del Taco associate, Sail Thru Hamburgers drive up dude, and Wible Road AM/PM graveyard worker, Rampart claims to now net $49,000 per month. But only to impress people, not when required.

(THE FORMER) LOVELY TEENAGED DAUGHTER
Not your average 35 year old. Born to Waist High as a "Miracle on 34th Street" in Bakersfield Memorial Hospital on 34th Street, LTD is on the board of MAC cosmetics. Not really, but she swears allegiance only to them. When LTD's mother once purchased LTD some eye shadow from Target, LTD threatened to call the police. Sweeter than Tupelo Honey, with the attitude of a feral cat, LTD is disgusted with most things. Including being forced to live with Waist High from 1988-2005. The child at one time even had her own blog, "Living With Waist High," which detailed her misery. A graduate of the oldest institution in the Oregon University System, LTD kept her promise of not getting knocked up at age 20 like Waist High did.

THE STRANGER
Oh God bless The Stranger. The Stranger was one of Waist High's most loyal confidants during some of the darker periods of the blog. Although his fierce allegiance to really bad music was a great source of aggravation for Waist High, The Stranger gave her a much needed look at life. Through the eyes of someone not yet bitter. The Stranger was almost pushed out of a moving vehicle when he revealed to Waist High that not only did he not know who Barry Manilow, Captain & Tenille, or Spandau Ballet were, but that he literally had no clue what Trail Mix was.

"TRI-TIP"
Special Correspondent to Waist High, and one of Waist High's most cherished friends. Used to live with The Kern County Drunkard. Was a Special Correspondent to Waist High for 9 months before knowing it. Long story. This individual coined the ultimate mid '80s Bakersfield drinking phrase, "Lock hubs. Party!"

DESI
Waist High's former work spouse. Cares about Waist High so much that he once took Waist High with him on a smoke break the very next day after she spent $250 for hypnotherapy TO QUIT SMOKING. Was the first person in conversation to introduce Waist High to concepts like "The Dirty Sanchez," "Dog In A Bathtub," "Tea Bagging," and "The Shocker." Reminds Waist High as often as possible that if women "neglect the balls," their men will leave them.