Tis' The Season.

 

As Waist High starts to gear up for her yearly pilgrimage to her hometown of Bakersfield California, she believes that it is now safe to assume that her favorite bar in the world has it's spray painted white and decorated with ornaments tumbleweed hanging from the ceiling. 

Photo: A brilliant individual

Jesus. Help Me.

Next to the thought that I CAN NEVER SMOKE A CIGARETTE AGAIN, EVER, the scariest realization Waist High had this week was that the majority of her wardrobe comes from Target.

Happy Birthday William Broad.

No Ifs. No Ands. No "Butts."

Waist High would again like to say "Thank You" to M.P., the individual who handed Waist High her first cigarette in 1984. Thanks. I am really loving this nicotine withdrawal, this sleeplessness, this extreme irritability, this constipation, this nervousness, and this complete inability to relax. If I am ever in Salt Lake City, I am going to find you and possibly strangle you.

This writer is now 7 days smoke free. She has been guided intelligently through this past week by a classic work of FICTION. Some kind of fairy tale.

Note to authors of The Complete Idiot's Guide To Quitting Smoking, the following ARE NOT realistic substitutes to smoking: "Calling a friend," "Going somewhere else," "Showering immediately," "Writing a letter," or "Climbing a tree."

Additionally, I did not think the following was a good approach to take: "It's also a good idea to link up your quit date with another date that has significance for you. It could be a birthday or an anniversary. Maybe it's the day you graduated from school, your child's birthday, or the anniversary date OF YOUR PARENT'S DEATH FROM A SMOKING RELATED ILLNESS."

I did appreciate the following however, "Use this checklist to go through your home, office, and car and remove the (now) offensive items:
[] Lighters and matches
[] Ashtrays
[] Breath mints and gum
[] Tobacco company T-shirts, caps or other items
[] CLOTHING WITH BURNED HOLES IN THEM."

Update: Parental Advice.

 

Don't ever tell your child the following: "I will never tell you not to do anything I've done," because they will hold you to that when you least want them to. 

Lovely Teenaged Daughter Self Photo: Thanksgiving 2004

Now If I Can Just Make It Through Christmas In Bakersfield Surrounded By My Chain Smoking Friends.

The word that traveled through an Oregon Costco this morning during the total and complete anarchy was that Costco Corporate sent out a nationwide 'memo' to all it's locations prior to the total and complete anarchy that said that it was going to be possible that the '$5 Off Coupon' for the MCI Pre Paid Calling Cards would send record numbers of boneheads to Costcos across this fine nation. Those record numbers of boneheads would all be attempting to activate those MCI Pre Paid Calling Cards and that the registers could not handle the overload and that that could crash the ENTIRE register system and thus cause said registers to shut down.

Well, the Costco memo was correct and Waist High was there.

Waist High: 1. Waited it out and remained in her line, which by the time she got in it, was already backing up into the Christmas decoration aisle. 2. Refused the complimentary cookies handed out to try to ease our frustrations. 3. Laughed her ass off when store personnel went around to EACH AND EVERY customer and took away their MCI Pre Paid Calling Cards if they had them. 4. Realized, as she became a little edgy, actually alot edgy, that she had made it past the critical 72 hour period that she was trying to make it past.

"Most smokers relapse within the first 72 hours of quitting."

Cuts Like A Knife.

But it feels so right.

CLOSE relative to WH last evening: "I just go to your website to check on your current mental status. Not really to read it."

Mark Geragos makes promises that he can't deliver, not Waist High. Waist High's sidebar clearly states that she is not well, and that she is one of the greatest living female examples of how NOT to live.

So I ask you, dear relative, where am I going wrong?

Here's To You Raise A Glass For Everyone...

 

It was 20 years ago this week that the song "Do They Know It's Christmas" was recorded in a London studio. 

The song was co-written by Bob Geldof and Midge Ure of Ultravox. Midge "spent the night mixing the song, which had to be sent to the pressing plant first thing in the morning if it was to be released in time for Christmas." (BBC News) 

Every cool person in Band Aid: Not Forgotten. 

Photo: filmandvideomagazine.com

The Food Of My People.

Waist High (French-Acadian by heritage) decided to treat herself and her daughter today by finally going to the restaurant she has been trying to go to for one year.

Tucked away in a residential neighborhood in Northeast Portland is Acadia, the only restaurant in Portland that serves "head on Gulf shrimp."

French Acadian Lesson #1:

Acadia was the name given by the French to the territory named Nova Scotia. Later, the area was divided under British rule into the three Maritime provinces. The territory's first European colonists, who would later become known as Acadians, were French subjects of the colony of New France.

The area was captured by British colonists in the course of King William's War. The territorial conflicts between Britain and France led to over 6,000 Acadian homes being burned by the British in 1755. Those Acadians who refused to swear loyalty to the British crown fled or were expelled to the American Colonies. Many settled in Louisiana, then still under French rule, where they formed the nucleus of the Cajun population.

The name Cajun is derived from Acadia. The word for Acadian in French is acadien, which, said fast, becomes Cajun. (fact-index.com)

My Adoring Public Knows. Didn't Bother To Tell My Child Though.

Merrily driving along in the Taurus:

Daughter: Why aren't you smoking?
Waist High: I quit dummy.
Daughter: Nuh-uh.
Waist High: Yes I did. You gotta go to my web site. You'll see.

How To Stay Young Looking: The Waist High Plan.

Who: My Lovely Teenaged Daughter (16 years old) and I (36 Years old).
When: 8:40 this morning (school starts at 8:30).
Where: Walking to the car at the grocery store.
What: A big obnoxious black Suburban pulls up next to us. The occupant was a holiday sweater wearing, mom hair sporting, lotsa weight carrying, almost fifty turning mother of one of my daughter's friends.

Thinking my daughter was cutting school with a pot smoking pal, this Thanksgiving sweater vest wearing individual VERY RUDELY says, "Hey. Hey. Aren't you supposed to be in school?"

We both turn around and say nothing. I smile and nod as if to let her know: It's quite alright. I know she is taller than me, but I am her mother and we were just buying maxi pads. (It was at this point that vest lady shot me a particularly nasty look)

We get in the car and my daughter is freaking out:
"Oh my God that is _______'s mom!"
"Oh my God she is going to think I am a bad person!"
"Oh my God she is going to think I was cutting school!"
"I've got to call _______ and tell her to tell her mom that was MY MOM I was with, and I was not cutting school!"

Waist High, deaf to the concerns of her child, and focused only on herself, screams: "HOW COOL WAS THAT THAT SOMEONE JUST MISTOOK ME FOR A TEENAGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Gilroy 1993.

Disgusting And Expensive Habit That I Love 1984-2004.

 

Photo: The Waist High Gilroy Collection

Uh. Woof Woof Lady Dogs.

The above photograph arrived at the offices of Waist High just days after the following conversation took place:

WH: "Your dog doesn't have his own lei!"
Person Who Owns The Dog: "Yes he does!"
WH: "No way!"
Person Who Owns The Dog: "Actually he has two leis. A red one and a blue one."

I Actually Forgot She Was Going To Be "At Yanni."

In the last 48 hours, the following were either said by/to or in the presence of Waist High:

1. "I wish I could remember what I was going to bring for you. Do you remember? Did I tell you I was going to bring my bag of hair?"
2. "I'll make dinner for us tomorrow night. Do you like deer meat? How does deer meat stir fry sound?"
3. "I'm so fucking important. Second in importance only to the Bishop."
4. (Saying this from her home in a very exotic location) "You gotta hurry up and come visit me before I get a divorce and move back to Oregon."
5. "It's called 'Dog In The Bathtub' cause it's like trying to keep a dog in the bathtub."
6. "I think it was probably the tear gas. He got nervous about me wanting to carry tear gas around work on a keychain."
7. "I'm not really going to 'rehab' per se, I just like to call it that."
8. "I'm returning your call. I don't know why you called though, you knew I was at Yanni!!"

Bars Schmars. Court Is Where It's At.

Attention single readers: (kabc.com) Sex therapist Dr. Ruth Westheimer thinks people should know that jury duty has an upside that doesn't get talked about much: It's a great way to get a date.

Westheimer, known as Dr. Ruth to her radio, television and reading public, made her observation Thursday as she and nearly 20 other celebrities marked Juror Appreciation Day at the State Supreme Court Building in Manhattan. Said Westheimer, "Jury duty is good way to meet men and women, a partner."

Eddie Versus Jack

Waist High sat on this for about 12 hours, hoping Bake Town would run with it. Maybe she is busy.

This news is Reason #74 that Bakersfield is THE GREATEST TOWN ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH if you like to drink.

On a completely unrelated note, Eddie Vedder is looking smoking hot these days with his short hair.

You Know You Need To "Quit" When...

You are 36 years old and you accidentally take a drink from a can full of cigarette butts.

Say Hello To...

The brand new: West High Class of 1986.

Waist High: The Banana Nazi.

Of all the things that are currently causing Waist High unrest, the one at the top of the list is those organic bananas. THOSE REALLY EXPENSIVE ORGANIC bananas that My Lovely Teenaged Daughter HAD TO HAVE, but has yet to eat. Not even one.

Happy Birthday Joe Leeway.

Thank You Readers!

 

Today Waist High celebrates reaching 10,000 page hits. Not too shabby for a site devoted to nothing really. 

Photos: The Waist High West High Collection

There Is A Light That Never Goes Out...

 

If for all intents and purposes YOU introduced me to The Smiths sophomore year in high school because you used to bring your 12" Smiths records to class, AND last night YOU called me from the Morrissey show at The Universal Amphitheatre so that I could hear him sing "How Soon Is Now": 

1. It was hard to hear him singing over you 2. Why in the Hell was that the first song of the show? 3. That was awesome. And I didn't tell you that because you had had 17 beers 

Photo: The Waist High Collection

Three Times A Lady.

My Lovely Teenaged Daughter took and failed her drivers test for the third time today. In fact this time, she failed immediately and had to return to the DMV only about three minutes after she left.

GROUNDS FOR IMMEDIATE FAILURE:
4. Failing to yield to a pedestrian.

Even worse for her, she was told by this writer that only after driving around Bakersfield for one week during the Christmas holidays, would she be allowed to take the test for the fourth time.

In Sherwood Oregon, at 9:46 this morning, while already sobbing because she had just failed her driving test for the fourth time, my child was told by her father: "Bakersfield is a good place to learn to drive. It's a good place to cut your teeth."

Could life get any worse for My Lovely Teenaged Daughter? Sure it could. Her mother could Blog about the whole thing.

Waist High? Full Of Shit Most Of The Time. But NOT ABOUT FRITO BOATS!

 

Precisely 9 days after Waist High posted this, Bakersfield's Underground Newspaper The Blackboard reviews The Syndicate Coffee Lounge and says this. On the menu at Syndicate? FRITO BOAT. 

Waist High believes that the best part of the review was the name of the author: JOAQUIN JUANNABE 

Photo: disgruntledhousewife.com

Mexicali: A Love Story. No Sorry. Error Messages Prevail.

(This is where you would have read "A Love Letter To A Restaurant")

Version 1 evaporated when an error messsage froze up the computer. Version 2 (in which Waist High tried to recreate version 1) evaporated when same said error message from the night before appeared and froze up same said computer. There will be no version 3.

Three things from "A Love Letter To A Restaurant" however:
1. Only current or former Bakersfield residents WOULD NOT have thought it was crazy.
2. Waist High's exhaustive research indicates that what one orders at Mexicali in 2004, one ordered at Mexicali in 1979.
3. Dining at Mexicali is not a spur-of-the-moment decision. There is preproduction involved. Principal photography. Costume design.

Happy Birthday Andy Partridge.

Rich. I've Missed You.

Thanks goes to a friend for e-mailing Waist High last week to alert her of the new episodes of "Bands Reunited" airing this week which features one of Waist High's favorite people.

Richard Blade is now a consultant/writer/producer for Bands Reunited.

Thought Of The Day.

Instead of doing a direct deposit into MY bank account, maybe my employer should just go ahead and directly deposit the money into the bank account of TARGET.

Waist High: Ahead Of It's Time.

 

Told you. Please see three posts below. Oregonians ARE PISSED. 

Photo: katu.com

Modesto Shmadesto.

 

You know, that actually looks like the Mt. St Helens area. Geraldo WAS scolded for veering off the trails. 

Photo: iraqiscam.com

"Come And Visit, But Go Home!"

 

(kabc.com) There is evidence to suggest thousands of Southern Californians have decided the Golden State is no longer golden. 

Major moving companies are reporting waiting lists for trucks for those who want to abandon Southern California. In fact, this summer, U-Haul had to restrict one-way rentals out of state. 

(portlandindymedia.org) The only thing worse than a racist is a Californian. Ask anybody and they'll agree; the only good Californians are still in California. 

Photo: westcoastroads.com

Feeling Blue. Seeing Red.

 

We here at Waist High do not discuss politics. We discuss booze. Bakersfield. Dead dogs. Today however we want to simply relay the mood up here in Oregon since the election. There is alot of sadness. There is alot of anger. One person Waist High talked to is even looking into what exactly it would take to move to Canada. Someone Waist High chatted with tonight said that it was like a funeral at her work the day after. 

Title inspiration: registerguard.com 

Photo: cnn.com

RIP Dog.

Kato the Akita was 11 years old.

Attention Viewers.

Waist High is experiencing some sort of wardrobe malfunction. We just figured out why a commenter said that the "neon green" was killing her eyes.

There must be something going on with Blogger. I too just got the neon green text. Oh. More disturbing than that is when someone YOUR AGE says "that neon green is killing my old lady eyes."

"It's Not The Way You Have Your Hair..."

Happy Birthday Mike Score.

Happy 50th Birthday.

 

Adam Ant. 

Photo: urbanimage.tv

It Ain't Nothing But A "B" Thang.

As the staff of Waist High sits here eating Vanilla Drumsticks for dinner, waiting to find out who our new president will be, ballots of a different kind have been cast. The polls are now closed and the final decision has been made.

What is the ultimate Bakersfield Food Of Shame?

Alot of snacks/dinners/beverages/democrats/republicans were considered, and first prize goes to The Frito Boat. Sometimes referred to as the Frito Pie.

Frito Boat

Cut open horizontally a snack size bag of Fritos.
Spoon in piping hot chili and cover with cheese.

Apologies go to mikecc.zemos.net for using half of his face to feature the second place winner for Bakersfield's ultimate "Food Of Shame" pickled eggs.

Old Los Angeles County Seal.

New Los Angeles County Seal.

Notice the crosses are gone. To read more go here.

If you were to ask the staff here at Waist High, all born in Los Angeles County, we would agree with the 10 plantiffs that: "excising such a significant portion of the county's history as the founding of this community by religious missionaries manifests an unconstitutional hostility" toward religion.